I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
