Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
