It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
