Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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