I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Soap is not a condiment
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
