and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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