I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
