my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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