Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
