i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
