So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
