Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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