My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
