you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
