No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
