remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
