I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize