I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I lost the right to judge tonight
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
