Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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