I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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