Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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