So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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