high people should be assigned attendants
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
