The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
