Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize