Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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