So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
