you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Drake has all the answers
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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