dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
