Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
