She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
