dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
