his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
