My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
