Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
