my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
