Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
