I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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