Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize