i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
