Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
As shirtless as possible
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
