she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
