I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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