You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
