You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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