so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
