Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
