if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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