I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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