I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
