There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
