Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
