last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
