I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
