Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize