i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
