I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize