On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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