Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
