Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
