I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
