Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
