Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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