Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
