good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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